Hi all!

I know that my last post said that I was going to update my blog with everything I had been reading, and…that hasn’t happened. The truth is, I find myself in a constant struggle. I know that this blog was supposed to be a bookish blog, and it still will be, but right now I feel the need to get what’s running around my head out.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Ana. I use the name Green Mage because 1. It was a gamer tag generated randomly by my PS5 (lol), and 2. it resonates with what I need as a human being facing struggles that many humans do at different levels.

The last 10 months has been a huge challenge for me. The only constantly good thing in my life was my partner and my reading. I started a new position at a new workplace (I’m a Secondary Teacher) because my previous workplace caused me so much anxiety, depression and there was no support what so ever from the executive staff members that I dreaded going in to work. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the students I worked with and I miss them, but I couldn’t stay there, no matter how many people told me that it was normal to feel that way in our profession.

I was excited to start somewhere new, but my anxiety was so peaked from my last workplace, I couldn’t get it under control. I tried to push through it like my family taught me to, but I just spiralled. My partner was so worried about me, he thought that I was going to end up needing psychiatric help. I ended up having an emotional breakdown at my new workplace, the way they supported me was eye opening. I got the day off, they talked me through how I was feeling and offered me counselling through work funding. I ended up in counselling three months into my new position, while it was terrifying and I felt weak for needing it, it was the first step in me taking control of myself again.

Five months later, I was still experiencing peaked everyday anxiety. Not as bad as what it was, I wasn’t having constant anxiety attacks but I was nauseous everyday, couldn’t keep any food down and I was developing insomnia. I decided to talk to my doctor about anti-anxiety medication, my partner was supportive, my counsellor had suggested that I might need it as a temporary support to help me get my anxiety back under control, and my teacher friends were also supportive. BUT, my family was not. They tried to talk me out of the medication, to manage it with strategies and natural remedies. Only my sister understood and didn’t judge me for it. I decided to trial the medication anyway.

It has made such a difference to my life, I have been on it for nearly two months and I almost feel like more myself than I ever have. Turns out I’ve been dealing with everyday anxiety my whole life, I just learned to deal with it on my own until it got too much for me to handle. I’ve lost 5kg, I can eat normally without binging, I still get a little bit of anxiety every now and again but nothing that I can’t handle without a strategy my counsellor has taught me. I still suffer the occasional round of insomnia, but I get more settled nights of sleep than I have in years. I am even starting to enjoy my job again and build rapport with my students, don’t get me wrong, it’s still stressful and I still get worn out but nothing like I did before.

I’ve even managed to get back into reading more than I did before and post about it on instagram, I’m on ARC teams, tried my hand at Street Teams (I definitely struggle to keep up with those!), joined PR groups to support Indie Authors and joined an amazing group of female readers I met on a PR Discord and they are so supportive and such amazing people, not too mention their obsession with books meets my own!! My books have been a haven, a safe space and an escape for me ever since my depression first hit 4 years ago. Whether it’s a twisty cozy mystery, a psychological thriller, a romantasy or a dark romance. These books and my bookish insta group have given me an escape where I can refresh myself and prepare to face those challenges on a more even playing field. Oh, and my partner also got me another two large bookshelves for my ever growing physical collection of books, that man makes my life grow and I will be forever grateful for having him in it.

Well! I think this has covered my reality check-in for the last 10 months, this has been surprisingly therapeutic. I’m thinking that I might do this a little more often… feel free to skip over it if it is not your thing!